I’ve been at war with myself for years now. I’ve been battling constantly but I never feel any closer to a victory. This war of attrition has done nothing to sooth my chaotic soul, it has only served to tear me further apart. When one goes to war against oneself it is only they who can be the loser. There are no winners in a civil war and like Axl said, whats so civil about war anyway?
Why do we fight? Is it because we feel we are right? Or do we fight because others have given us a cause. Do we fight for what we have been taught is the the right way to live? Who can really tell you what way is the right way for you. You are the only one who has to live your life. So you may as well live it in a way that you can love your life. Don’t try to be something you are not. Don’t try to be something for someone else. Be only you for you.
When all time has passed and you find yourself at the end of the road it will not matter what fleeting relationships you have left behind. The ones who abandon you when the road is rocky will not be the ones on your mind. The ones who stayed by your side through thick and thin will be the ones by your side at the end. It is those loved ones whom love you no matter the circumstances, no matter the choices you make in life.
I have come to realize these truths over the last few weeks and it is with a clear mind and a brave heart that I make the following announcement.
I am gay.
I have always been gay.
I will always be gay.
This is not a choice I have made. It is a fact that I have struggled with since the very first day of the third grade when I realized I wanted to hold Johnnys hand and not Jessicas.
I have struggled through failed relationship after failed relationship as I tried to force myself to play a role I was not cast for. I have been depressed. I have been confused. I have been afraid. But most of all I have been wrong. Wrong to live like this. Wrong to lie to myself and others. Wrong to lead women into relationships my heart could not sustain.
I will no longer live my life under false pretenses.
From this day forward I will be who I was truly meant to be.
I love all of you and I look forward to beginning my new life alongside each and every one of you.
My new life as the real me.